Tag Archives: conscious

Gomer’s justifications…

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I am poised to leave. I have found the man of my dreams. Hallelujah!

He tells me God brought us together to do great things! I am his savior! We can go to any church I want. Have the wedding of my dreams (and a honeymoon to rival all…over to France and Italy or maybe down to Chile or perhaps even further afield…New Zealand!).

I look with disdain upon my husband. Long I had told him he would die a lonely old man and my prophesy is coming true.

I talk with the children. The oldest daughter (28) hasn’t seen me this happy in years and tells me I don’t have to wait for her wedding in six months before I leave her father. She “knows” how our marriage has been, the fights and lack of affection. The teasing remarks which were actually digs, hurtful digs. She herself had been on the receiving end many a time.

Oldest son (26, married and out of the house) feels I should tell his dad soon but that I should give him a second chance despite the years of discord. In fact, the last time he tried to stand up to his dad for us women still at home his dad put him in his place. I figured he would come around.

Number three, a daughter (24), is ecstatic.  She had already fled the home in August and was living with her boyfriend “in sin” 12 hours away.

The youngest, a son (21) tells me he’s coming with me. He can’t stand his dad.

The battle lines are drawn.

Just one hitch…I still don’t have enough money. I would be setting up an entirely new household with a need for all new “things”.

My new man came to the rescue. He paid for my deposit and first six months rent plus a few extra things. He was quite generous.

There was another reason to leave…I never had to feel like I was scared to spend money. Never made to feel bad if I did. What I did mattered. I mattered.

What was that you said, the little voice in my head? Something about maybe I should tell the hubby I’m going to leave and see if he’ll still refuse to go to counseling, to change. Nope. I am not going to listen to you! I don’t care what you say! I am not staying! No matter what! No Matter What! Remember??? He’s mean! Doesn’t listen, doesn’t care, isn’t supportive, isn’t affectionate, only touches you when he wants sex…the list goes on and on. Do Not Forget! Stick to your goal!

I told him I was leaving.

He cried?!

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The touch

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I found an outlet, theater. Just doing local theater and basically only one play that ran only at Christmas but I loved it.  I was emerging from my shell.

Hubby decided it was “OK” but it did cost us money because I was driving back and forth to rehearsals. Oh and don’t talk to him about it, he wasn’t interested so he wasn’t listening. Just like we didn’t talk about work or friends known only by one of us. At times I did listen to him talk about his work and coworkers but heaven forbid I bring up my life. Basically that left the kids and any sports I absorbed. But I didn’t like to talk to him…such negativity. It got me down. I did try to talk to him…at times. Other times we fought and I would tell him just how he was going to end up, all alone like his dad. But he decided I was either just upset or suffering from PMS when I brought up the negativity and the lack of affection.

I’m still not sure how he knew of my need for affection but a man I was working with on a theater project was standing next to me one night and he lightly touched my lower back…electricity sparked between us with just that touch. “But wait!” I thought. I admire him, like his wife (egads! he was married) and I’m married. But…this means I’m desirable, lovely, lovable. Everything I wasn’t getting from hubby. My imagination kicked in! I started planning, methodically. I wasn’t happy. I knew hubby couldn’t be happy. I know! We have a trip planned…if he loses his temper on this trip, in public, well…that’s it! I’ll be through, out!

As I planned hubby and I’s trip (he rarely helped) I began cruising the “adult only” websites, looking at what all is out there. Oh, and loosing weight. I was starting to feel good about myself, justifying my future plans. I knew what I was planning to do and I had to shut up the little voice inside my head that has tried to keep me on the straight and narrow.

I loved Paris and Nice. I cried when I saw Notre Dame and Monet’s paintings in the D’Orsay.  In Nice I loved to just sit on the rocks and watch the Mediterranean lap and crash around me.  The volcano in Iceland forced us to stay in Nice five extra days. During one of our trips to the aeroport de Nice I hit the wrong button on the laptop, hubby slammed his fist on the table in anger. That was it, the sign. I was free to go, to leave, to do what I want. My marriage is over.

Hubby didn’t know it but I already was in email contact with another man. He assured me he would have never ignored me in the City of Lights…I would have been his and he mine. I could hardly wait to get back to the states so I could quit feeling so lonely.

Once home I effectively shut up that still small voice in my head and dove head first into my first affair.